Putting on a brave face...

... and acting to be in control.

One Sunday morning, when my parents announced that they are going to India for a long vacation, my brother and I was overwhelmed by joy. We were jumping up and down imagining the freedom we gonna have. Immediately we started planning our one month of freedom. We planned to be out all day n night. Or sleep like tomorrow never exist.. We planned to throw a party to all our friends. We even planned on what the menu should be.

After six months, today, right now, my parents are up in the sky flying to India. My brother, who rely his life on a walking stick now, has been put into my aunt’s house for an adult care, and here I am feeling extremely sad and miserable.

And we say things don’t change. Unfortunately they do.

Reality hit on me last night. When I was lying down thinking what am I gonna do all by myself for the next one month. I decided all I’m gonna do or I need to do for now is, to cry. Yes, seriously. I wanna sit and cry everyday till my tears go dry. I am sick and tired of putting on a brave face and acting to be in control. I am not the brave one. Seriously; I am just any other girl who needs to let go of her emotions.

Looking at my mother packing her bags as if she’s forced to go didn’t help as well. Telling my mother I’m gonna be all fine and would take care of my brother didn’t help as well. I’m just tired of faking a smile and hiding my tears in front of my mother everyday for the past few months.

So there I was, lying on my bed and crying all night. And I decided that’s what I really need to do to get over this. Everything has been so tied up inside me. It’s time for me to let go. I’m starting to forget I do have a sister. And I have a boyfriend who hates people crying. I am tired of putting up this act on, “hey, look at me.. I’m cool, I’m tough, I don’t cry”. I have friends whom I rarely meet and get a chance to share all this. Sincerely, I don’t blame anyone but myself.

And yesterday, when my eyes were soaked with tears, I was thinking to myself, what would really make me feel good at that time. At 1^st I thought of beer. Since, many believe alcohol takes away your pain. Then I moved on to some hardcore liquor. Then I thought maybe starbucks. Then I moved on thinking maybe Baskin Robins would do the magic. But nothing seemed to satisfy me or fit into the picture that I needed the most.

Then a weird thought came to my mind. And I know that’s exactly what would make feel better. I longed for the 2 big cushions Anya brought from over d sea, and I wanted Pikachu to be there. Yes, really. I just wanted to be in that living room with the 2 big beany bags with pikachu by my side. I miss her.

By: ‘lilo