Monday, 22 August 2011

Daily dilemma

I did a big batch of ironing n decided to count the amount of clothes I have.. Only working clothes that is..

I have enough clothes to last me for 7 weeks without having to repeat any single piece.. And this doesn't include the days I decide to go casual to work..

The beauty of it is that, yet, every morning I always think i have nothing to wear n constantly remind myself to do more shopping :)


Toh Zinda Ho

I need to go away
On my own
Somewhere peaceful, somewhere its beautiful to be outdoors
Somewhere the sun shines
Somewhere where the breeze will caress away all my worries
In that soothing way that only a breeze knows

I need to feel me
I need to feel alive
Because I’ve not been feeling the same
Since I turned a quarter century old

Its been 3 years
I still haven’t got back my mojo
Not for work, and not for life

I thought I needed a change in job
So dusted off the resume I last wrote 5 years ago
Spent 3 weeks writing it up again
And started the wait game
Still not knowing what is it that i want to do
Still not knowing despite all these years what i have passion for
Still lacking the courage to break the mould
Still questioning my judgment

Not easy starting all over again
And I haven’t even started

I tried shopping
Didn’t help
Started praying more
Helped a bit but still feel something is lacking
Tried having varieties to the social scene
Still came back feeling bored and empty inside

The one thing that keeps me going a little bit is
So I run
I walk
I jog
Every other night when I can
So that I feel at peace
I have conversations with Him
I try to organize my thoughts
Some days I cry when I jog
Some days I feel like it’s a good day
Some days I feel lonelier than ever

I know I am looking for an escape
An escape from parents who are too disappointed with me
An escape from relatives who think im selfish because im single
An escape from friends who mean well
An escape from a person whom I’ve fallen for but one who doesn’t feel the same

Saddens me that he doesn’t care with the same magnitude
Saddens me that he doesn’t think of me the way I do
Saddens me that other men show it and he doesn’t
Saddens me that other girls get more and I don’t
But I know its not his fault
He is who he is
I am who I am
We fall short of each other’s expectations
Expectation is a bad thing to have, he once said
How true, I think back now

Home life is not the same anymore
Not since what happened
Saddens me that my own parents fail to understand us
Saddens me that they fail to see why it happened that way
Saddens me they blame the her
Saddens me that I cant do anything more for them
Saddens me that to make them happy again i risk being unhappy for life

Saddens me that I cant give the answers they or my friends search when they look at me
Saddens me that I started dodging personal questions from my own best friends
Saddens me that I have started to avoid them in ways i can
Saddens me i feel ashamed in front of them when i shouldn't

Saddens me that I might grow old alone
Saddens me that might not have my own babies
Saddens me that I don’t have a home of my own
Saddens me that the dreams I had as a young girl got crushed by adulthood by something called Reality

My past still haunts me
In many ways that I choose to still deny
I dream about it sometimes
And I wake up looking for answers
Not knowing if i can ever let go of the hurt
Wanting to move away from it

And now my dog of 13 years
Has been showing signs of old age
He doesn’t run the way he used to
He doesn’t wag his tail the way he used to
He doesn’t look forward for his walks anymore
I used to have a hard time keeping up with him during his walks
But now we walk side by side
That too after I slow my usual pace

Saddens me that I might be losing him
Saddens me that our lives wont be the same without him around
And I dread for the day
When the only thing that keeps my family together might be going away

So yes
I need to go away
From everything and everyone
Because I don’t recognize ME anymore
Or maybe I never got to know her

I hope
I pray
I wish
I’ll get a job that takes me far from here

But alas
Im here on a Monday morning
In my office
Being what I hate being (read: emo)
Writing what I hate writing (read: bimbo-like rantings)

But I know its not just a phase
Not when it has been around for 3 years
Or more if I really start reflecting

So yeah…

p/s: no follow up questions please, tq

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Being introduced by my father to his friend ...

These are my children ...

So you're the pilot and you're the doctor and you're married!

:P %$#!?! :P

Thursday, 11 August 2011

Men #22

Oh the freaking lord. It's been more than 4 years together, and only today I realize that he has actually never, I really mean never; he has actually never said the three magic words to me in person before.. Never to my face nor my eyes.. Gawd! Can you believe that?



What a roller coaster ride the last couple of months have been!

It's been a month at the new job and I'm slowly getting the hang of it. However I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to get used to waking up before 6 a.m. everyday, no flexi-hours and crawling through the traffic jams. Those are definitely the things I miss from my old job.

All that aside, the craziest scariest most-hormone-overdosed most wonderful thing has happened to me.

I'm pregnant!

It's still feels really strange to say that although I'm nearing the end of the 1st trimester. I'm waiting for the intense joy and contentment to happen but thus far every little change in my body has either caused me to be worried or in denial. However it's been comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels this way, judging from the number of forums and blogs by first time mummies-to-be. They assured me that the 2nd trimester will be better.

Despite the worrying and the tiredness and the bloating and the occasional nausea, seeing my tiny baby doing water-acrobatics on the ultrasound made it all worth it. Ok, ok, I know I sound like a typical sappy pregnant lady so I shall stop - for now.

~Anya with a baby-bump~

Monday, 8 August 2011

Men #21

I forgot. The doctor that I'm seeing is a man. No wonder he's so dumb.

I tell him I've lost 5kgs, he says good job and asks me to lose 6kg more!!!!

F.u! F.u! F.u!!