Of dreams and damp pillows

They say dreams represent a world of imagery in which our darkest fears, deepest secrets, and most passionate fantasies break out from the unconscious mind and only at this time become present to our own consciousness

Two nights ago, i had a two weird dream back to back... The first was about Mr. Blue, my ex... Been a long time i never use that word to describe him and have almost forgotten that nickname. It was coined at a time when we didn't know his name. Only his car, hence the name :P

Been a long time also i even thought about him... Anyway, in the dream, we were still together.. I had just come back from somewhere (Prague was it?) and we met... He was slightly distant (not as much as distant and cold as he was when i came back from my holiday in AU)... So, we were sitting in the car, talking like friends (not couples) and i remember in the dream i was feeling contented and just comfortable with him... After that, i don't remember much of the dream but i remember he dropping off to a house (his house?) not sure. And then his new gf was there, N. And it's sorta like that's when my worst suspects came true... Oddly, i just walked out of the house coolly and wishing him luck etc.

Then the next dream was about my blog and this blog.. and whole lot of it revolving blogs.. Now this dream, i could understand because earlier that day, i was busy trying to revamp this blog with new templates etc and also testing it out with my new (unfinished) blog...

But why did i dream about Mr.Blue out of the blue? (pardon the pun)... Anyway, i woke up that day feeling blue :(

The dream somehow managed to evoke some emotions which i thought were long dead... I remembered how it used to be like in a relationship, the feeling one gets and i realized in a weird way, i do miss him a little... I know i don't want him back or want him to want me back or anything but i guess im just missing the feelings...

Ever since i broke up, i have started to spend more time at home, more time with my family and friends... I poured my heart and soul to my work when i first started working and it did bring me success and respect among my colleagues.

But right now, im stuck in a rut. Nothing seems to be going for me.. I have lost my 'mojo'.. I have no mood to work, no mood to drive to work, no mood to wake up, no mood to hang out, no mood to travel etc.

Yesterday was a fairly ordinary, uneventful day for me. I went to work, spent most of the time surfing instead of working, then after work went for a quick coffee as a fellow manager wanted to discuss some future career prospects with me in my current workplace (see, these people still think im my old 'performing' self, when im NOT), and after that i left and had a good game of badminton (won 2 games even) and came back and watched a really good old Hindi movie about oppressed women.

Before i slept, i remembered staring at the ceiling and i suddenly burst out crying. For no reason. I suddenly missed that old me who used to cry ever so often ever since high school.. Be it family or Mr.Blue, i was bound to cry myself to sleep almost weekly. Then something changed and i cried even less.

It felt good crying though.. i remember praying.. i remember asking God to find TK a soul mate soon as that will make my sad mum, my worried dad and my ever-hopeful grandma happy... All i want is that and for me to die before everyone else leaves me.. Tears always well up in my eyes when i think of my grandma, her age etc. Its silly but i can't help it. :(

Last thing i remembered before falling into a dreamless sleep last night was the damp pillow.

-Margie