Toh Zinda Ho

I need to go away

On my own

Somewhere peaceful, somewhere its beautiful to be outdoors

Somewhere the sun shines

Somewhere where the breeze will caress away all my worries

In that soothing way that only a breeze knows

I need to feel me

I need to feel alive

Because I’ve not been feeling the same

Since I turned a quarter century old

Its been 3 years

I still haven’t got back my mojo

Not for work, and not for life

I thought I needed a change in job

So dusted off the resume I last wrote 5 years ago

Spent 3 weeks writing it up again

And started the wait game

Still not knowing what is it that i want to do

Still not knowing despite all these years what i have passion for

Still lacking the courage to break the mould

Still questioning my judgment

Not easy starting all over again

And I haven’t even started

I tried shopping

Didn’t help

Started praying more

Helped a bit but still feel something is lacking

Tried having varieties to the social scene

Still came back feeling bored and empty inside

The one thing that keeps me going a little bit is

Running

So I run

I walk

I jog

Every other night when I can

So that I feel at peace

I have conversations with Him

I try to organize my thoughts

Some days I cry when I jog

Some days I feel like it’s a good day

Some days I feel lonelier than ever

I know I am looking for an escape

An escape from parents who are too disappointed with me

An escape from relatives who think im selfish because im single

An escape from friends who mean well

An escape from a person whom I’ve fallen for but one who doesn’t feel the same

Saddens me that he doesn’t care with the same magnitude

Saddens me that he doesn’t think of me the way I do

Saddens me that other men show it and he doesn’t

Saddens me that other girls get more and I don’t

But I know its not his fault

He is who he is

I am who I am

We fall short of each other’s expectations

Expectation is a bad thing to have, he once said

How true, I think back now

Home life is not the same anymore

Not since what happened

Saddens me that my own parents fail to understand us

Saddens me that they fail to see why it happened that way

Saddens me they blame the her

Saddens me that I cant do anything more for them

Saddens me that to make them happy again i risk being unhappy for life

Saddens me that I cant give the answers they or my friends search when they look at me

Saddens me that I started dodging personal questions from my own best friends

Saddens me that I have started to avoid them in ways i can

Saddens me i feel ashamed in front of them when i shouldn't

Saddens me that I might grow old alone

Saddens me that might not have my own babies

Saddens me that I don’t have a home of my own

Saddens me that the dreams I had as a young girl got crushed by adulthood by something called Reality

My past still haunts me

In many ways that I choose to still deny

I dream about it sometimes

And I wake up looking for answers

Not knowing if i can ever let go of the hurt

Wanting to move away from it

And now my dog of 13 years

Has been showing signs of old age

He doesn’t run the way he used to

He doesn’t wag his tail the way he used to

He doesn’t look forward for his walks anymore

I used to have a hard time keeping up with him during his walks

But now we walk side by side

That too after I slow my usual pace

Saddens me that I might be losing him

Saddens me that our lives wont be the same without him around

And I dread for the day

When the only thing that keeps my family together might be going away

So yes

I need to go away

From everything and everyone

Because I don’t recognize ME anymore

Or maybe I never got to know her

I hope

I pray

I wish

I’ll get a job that takes me far from here

But alas

Im here on a Monday morning

In my office

Being what I hate being (read: emo)

Writing what I hate writing (read: bimbo-like rantings)

But I know its not just a phase

Not when it has been around for 3 years

Or more if I really start reflecting

So yeah…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VI-q8Aszay0

-fin-
N.e.m.o

p/s: no follow up questions please, tq