My life..

No matter what I do..
how hard I try..
No matter how much I give..
It is just not enough..
And perhaps it'll never be..

And there's nothing I can do about it.. Fml!



Lilo

Daddy dearest..

I was never really close to my dad. At least in a way all other father-daughter relationships seemed to be. My father wasn't the cool kind that hangs out with the daughter.

He was more reserved, quite and a man of few words. (Says a lot why I turned out like this! But that's another topic all together)

Anyways, we never really use to have conversations. Even when I was away from home for 5 years, I can safely say he never called to speak to me even once. We never have phone conversation. Even when I'm in some weird part of the world. It's always through my mom. I call my mom religiously, and when I do I would ask how is he doing. When she hangs up, he would ask her about me. I have always wondered, or maybe a lil jealous, how come all my friends have their fathers calling and talking to them all the time. Like it's something perfectly normal to do.

It's funny to think, even on the days when he picks up the house phone, all I ask him is, "where's Amma?" and that would be the end of our conversations.

It's not like we were fighting or anything. It's just how we've always been. And no, he's never a bad dad. He's the good kind. The kind that trust the children more than they need to. The one that only says "I know you can do better than that" when we have failed doing something miserably. One that pushes you off your limits. One that patiently waits for you and never complains.

For one that doesn't speak so much or keeps to himself, needless to say we were never to be the one to be openly declaring our love or care for one another. We don't say sweet things, no hugs, no kisses. All those were fulfilled by my darling mother.

Anyway, the point of me writing this is that, I just realized how things have changed.

He looks forward to my visits now. He's truly happy and he hugs me. We hold hands and walk the corridors very slowly, while he fills me up with stories of his childhood that he has never shared. We talk. He asks me how my day was and we talk and laugh at silly things. He likes it when I tuck him into bed. I have now seen him in his most vulnerable and emotional states. I have wiped his tears off. I have fed him and care for him. Times may be tough now, but it has brought us so much closer and we are truly happy that we have each other.

It's not a blessing in disguise. Definitely not. But I guess some moments (the good ones) are meant to be cherished. As tough as it is now, I'm glad I got to have this bonding with my dad.

I still have not said this out loud, but I love you pa! And I know we don't have to..


Lilo

When shit hits the fan..

When everything seem to be going well in life, a shit happens. It just doesn't happen, it hits the fan high up your wall.

It gets all over. Messes you up in ways you never imagined. Leaves behind stains that you seem to keep  washing every day, it just doesn't go off. On some days the wall seems to be getting whiter again, giving you a little hope. You rest your eyes with a smile that night and when you wake up, you see the brown stain right back on. Makes you start another day with a tear.

But you don't just give up. It's the only home you ever had. You pick your self up and start brushing the walls again. In hope, one day it will all go away.

But you and I know, it's not just the stain. It stinks. It stinks like hell that you start losing sleep over it. You feel like killing someone. You feel like tearing the walls apart.

Living with the shit all over your home, sucks the life out of you. Everyday you find yourself contemplating what do you do next. Do you paint the walls red or do you tear them apart. You have to make decisions. Decisions that were never an option to begin with.

They say eventually it will all get better. But no. It doesn't get better. It never will. Shit like this just don't get better.

But yes. You will learn to live with it. You adapt. It becomes a part of you that you fail to recognize it anymore.

But your life, your home, is never the same again.



Feeling shitty,
Lilo

When nothing feels right..
When I feel all down..
When life is no fun..

I just want to buy a handbag..
And look at it all night.



Lilo

Life

Body entangled between wires..
With the machines dictating your breath..
Alarms reminding you are alive..

After-all life is only a heart beat away from death.




Lilo

Partners vs Parents

I don't (maybe I do), believe in signs. But today's breakfast talk on radio was, well let's just say, a high coincidence. It was about choosing partners or parents? Of course in the situation when you can't have both.

Was an interesting discussion. Although, all the problems discussed seemed so tiny compared to mine.

Gist of it:

- follow your heart
- too attached parents and too attached partners are the same, get rid of them both
- fight, fight, fight. You don't have to choose, don't give up till you have both
- buy a car, fall in love with it instead ;)
- eventually parents will accept you, try having a kid! :p
- it's ok to be selfish
- it's your life, no one knows better what's best for you than yourself


Hmm.. Time to rethink.. Is it really ok to be selfish?

Decisions.. Decisions.. Sigh..



Lilo

Life updates..

I've been neglecting the blog way too long. I apologize. I have been wanting to write a update of my life for sometime, and now seems like the best time.

Honestly, nothing has changed. Life still sucks. It's still hard. Getting through a day not crying seems like a big achievement now. Still going through the same "single-thirtysomething-indiangirl" problem. Maybe at full swing now.

Work is ok, but all the people I called friends left. My nicest boss left. So I'm kinda fighting the battle with the Chinese all by myself. Definitely not fun. At least pays my bills. And then there's the wanting to move, but don't know what to do problem.

On the men side, I still hold my ground. They may come in fifty shades; but they are all the same shitty grey. Enough said.

Hope everyone else is having a good life. Till next time.


Lilo