It's like dying...

Anyone who knows me, would know about my love for Grey's Anatomy.. There are not many things or people that really "get" me, except for maybe chocolates, ice creams and grey's.

 Anyways, here's one of my favorite excerpt from grey's.. that gets me..

"There is a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. 

Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don't have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? 

Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever..." 


Lilo 

The number thirteen

I was born on the 13th

All these years I thought 13 was supposedly my lucky number..

I have finally realized what is the real meaning of this number in my life..

For every 1 step I take forward, I will go 3 steps behind.

Get it? I do.


Lilo

New bundle of joy!

One year ago, around this time I was getting all emo that my baby brother is getting hitched. And today, he is a father of a baby.

Not surprised, not overwhelmed nor I am bothered.

For once I am happy. Truly happy, for him, for us and the baby.


Lilo

Disclaimer: This post is valid only for a year, as I'm pretty confident I'll change my mind when he turns into a lil monster this time next year.

Is there anything better than the smell of newly mowed grass? Well, maybe not, but I can think of a few rivals; The whiff of unexpected rain on a hot day; Zesty oranges! ; Freshly brewed coffee - I swooned and almost fell face forward with ecstasy into the real thing after being on decaf for the pregnancy.

Speaking of which, I've recently hauled my ass to the gym and Zumba. There's only so much weight that will melt off with breastfeeding. The rest has to go the old fashioned way. So yesterday at Zumba, while I was gyrating and gasping, I noticed a new girl at the back of the class. My eyes kept going to her because she was really grooving to the music. It seemed like an invisible rhythmic puppet master was playing her strings, right down to her little toe.

The fact that she was very fat, was really, quite negligible.

That spoke volumes to me. Whatever I do - Have fun. Be confident. And that itself draws people to all the positives I have, instead of the negatives.

As a wise person once said, 'Don't bother taking yourself too seriously, no one else does anyway!'

~Anya~

It was an ice-cold chocolate smoothie weather and I was getting mine to go. While waiting, I was mentally calculating how fast I could zip through my next two errands and make it back in time for dinner and the baby's feeding. I barely took note of the few other customers in the cafe.

Slowly though, a thin ready voice floated at the edge of my consciousness. 

"Hello, miss. Hello..."

I wasn't paying much attention, waiting impatiently for my smoothie.

"Hello, miss..siapa nama? Boleh kawan ke?"

Now, from the corner of my eye, I noticed a table of skinny teenage boys grinning at another table somewhere behind me. And trying to look all smooth and cool (but in reality looking like fools but I had to give them an A for effort). I turned slightly and saw the objects of their fascination. A couple of pretty, long haired, teenage girls. The girls had that "I'm just going to ignore your annoying like a buzzing mosquito flirting tactics and not give you the satisfaction of a reaction" look. 

I know how you feel girls, I felt like telling them. Can't even enjoy a quiet drink with the girlfriends without some pimply faced boys barging into your personal space. 

And suddenly, I almost laughed out loud as a thought dropped into my head. When was the last time I had to fend off unwanted attention from some eager guys trying to wheedle a reaction out of me? I can't remember!

What a liberating feeling!

Also, a little sad.

Most likely if it happened to me now, I'd be too flattered not to flash a smile at the silly boys, thinking, hey, I still got it! Yes, super pathetic I know. But I'm not fussy about where my ego boosting comes from.

So as I take my smoothie and walk away, I felt like telling the girls, "Enjoy the attention girls, it only lasts a few years."

~Anya~

 

My life..

No matter what I do..
how hard I try..
No matter how much I give..
It is just not enough..
And perhaps it'll never be..

And there's nothing I can do about it.. Fml!



Lilo

Daddy dearest..

I was never really close to my dad. At least in a way all other father-daughter relationships seemed to be. My father wasn't the cool kind that hangs out with the daughter.

He was more reserved, quite and a man of few words. (Says a lot why I turned out like this! But that's another topic all together)

Anyways, we never really use to have conversations. Even when I was away from home for 5 years, I can safely say he never called to speak to me even once. We never have phone conversation. Even when I'm in some weird part of the world. It's always through my mom. I call my mom religiously, and when I do I would ask how is he doing. When she hangs up, he would ask her about me. I have always wondered, or maybe a lil jealous, how come all my friends have their fathers calling and talking to them all the time. Like it's something perfectly normal to do.

It's funny to think, even on the days when he picks up the house phone, all I ask him is, "where's Amma?" and that would be the end of our conversations.

It's not like we were fighting or anything. It's just how we've always been. And no, he's never a bad dad. He's the good kind. The kind that trust the children more than they need to. The one that only says "I know you can do better than that" when we have failed doing something miserably. One that pushes you off your limits. One that patiently waits for you and never complains.

For one that doesn't speak so much or keeps to himself, needless to say we were never to be the one to be openly declaring our love or care for one another. We don't say sweet things, no hugs, no kisses. All those were fulfilled by my darling mother.

Anyway, the point of me writing this is that, I just realized how things have changed.

He looks forward to my visits now. He's truly happy and he hugs me. We hold hands and walk the corridors very slowly, while he fills me up with stories of his childhood that he has never shared. We talk. He asks me how my day was and we talk and laugh at silly things. He likes it when I tuck him into bed. I have now seen him in his most vulnerable and emotional states. I have wiped his tears off. I have fed him and care for him. Times may be tough now, but it has brought us so much closer and we are truly happy that we have each other.

It's not a blessing in disguise. Definitely not. But I guess some moments (the good ones) are meant to be cherished. As tough as it is now, I'm glad I got to have this bonding with my dad.

I still have not said this out loud, but I love you pa! And I know we don't have to..


Lilo